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If We​’​re not married by the Time We​’​re forty, let​’​s kill each other

by Kurt Alexander

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about

Released as part of the 1,095 days project (a collection of thoughts on 3 years of sobriety from alcohol)

This song was written and recorded in my childhood bedroom in [Redacted], Wiltshire, UK


IWNMBTTWFLKEO|| Appendix

1,095 days ago you woke up hungover for the last time
What followed was two weeks of pure bliss and strong headway in progress with your mental health
Then came the dreams of drinking
The obsessive compulsions
The sinking feeling of knowing that your main coping mechanism was no longer there to help you cope
Maybe it never helped you cope

You’ll realise the confidence that drinking gave you
Turned you into an asshole at first
And a liability towards the end

You’ll move back home
Sit across from someone on a bus
Someone you met, and knew exclusively while blitzed on an emotion-numbing mix of jäger and cheap cider
The person you are now would be a stranger to them
But it’s unfortunate that you look similar enough to the way you did at 18 that it won’t matter

You’ll struggle to get buses
Because they won’t run often
The public transport here is a far cry from the city
And it will become painfully obvious that the wing mirrors on these buses are put almost perfectly at forehead height

You’ll spend a year thinking
Trying to figure out if this is what you want
If you’d forgive yourself for staying
Getting comfortable; rotting

You’ll start to exercise more
Eat a little better
It may not feel like much
But it’ll be a mammoth leap from the endless days spent in that unmade grave of an Ikea bed
Listening to every thought and made-up reaction bouncing from ear to ear

Finally, You’ll take a stroll around your hometown
Laughing at all the adolescent memories
But a sense of dread will begin to set in
When in the year that you’ve been back
No memories like those have been created

Maybe it’s because you no longer drink
Maybe it’s because the people in those memories have moved on
Either way, you realise you can’t live in the past
You can visit the people there from time to time and reminisce
But you’ll soon realise
The person whose memories you are viewing
Is gone
And the recipient of the memories you create now deserves better

credits

released April 17, 2023
Performed by Kurt Alexander

Written, Recorded and Produced by David Gibbs

Artwork: A Bedroom in Berlin

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Kurt Alexander Bristol, UK

Kurt Alexander is a project started by David Gibbs upon their arrival to Berlin in 2018.

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